How Prenups Can Strengthen Love: James Sexton on Trust, Intimacy & Honest Relationships

In this episode of the Huberman Lab Podcast, host Andrew Huberman welcomes James Sexton, a renowned family law attorney with over 25 years of experience specializing in prenuptial agreements and divorces. The discussion centers on a seemingly counterintuitive concept: how the legal frameworks and contracts surrounding relationships, particularly prenuptial agreements (prenups), can paradoxically deepen emotional connection and build trust between partners. Sexton argues that intimacy and trust are rooted in the ability to be one's true, vulnerable self with a partner. The episode explores how prenups, often viewed as unromantic or pessimistic, can instead serve as tools to establish safety, prevent common conflicts, and foster a "same team" spirit. This conversation is highly relevant for anyone seeking or currently in a relationship, whether single, dating, engaged, or married, as it sheds light on the intersection of legal and emotional frameworks that support lasting partnerships.

Key Insights

• According to James Sexton, everyone in a marriage has a prenuptial agreement; it's either one created by their state legislature (which can change without their consent) or one they tailor to their unique needs with their partner. He advocates for couples proactively creating their own.
• Contrary to popular belief, Sexton states that the vast majority of people who get prenups actually stay married. He suggests this is because the process of creating a prenup self-selects for couples who are capable of having difficult, honest conversations – a key ingredient for a successful marriage.
• Prenuptial agreements, rather than being unromantic, can be an invitation to profound intimacy. They provide a structured opportunity to discuss fears, hopes, expectations, and what each partner values in the other and the relationship, thereby deepening connection and establishing safety.
• Sexton emphasizes that true intimacy and love require feeling safe with one's partner – emotionally and physically. Prenups can contribute to this sense of safety by establishing clear understandings and expectations, especially regarding how potential conflicts or a separation would be handled.
• Marriage should be viewed not only as an emotional bond but also as an economy (an exchange of value) and a contract. Acknowledging these practical aspects does not detract from the romance but rather adds a layer of realism and preparedness.
• Honesty about one's needs, fears, and expectations, and the ability to communicate these to a partner, are crucial for relationship success. Avoiding difficult conversations, Sexton warns, is detrimental in the long run.
• Small, consistent acts of love, appreciation, and presence (like leaving a note for a partner) can have a profound impact on relationship health, often more so than grand gestures, because they reinforce the feeling of being seen and valued.

Gender Dynamics in Divorce and Relationships

James Sexton, drawing from his extensive experience, observes distinct gender-based patterns in how individuals experience and navigate divorce and relationships. He notes that society often perceives divorced men and women differently. For instance, in custody battles, Sexton suggests women tend to fight harder, not necessarily solely due to a stronger maternal instinct, but because societal perception of motherhood is deeply intertwined with a woman's identity. A woman whose children live primarily with their father might face societal judgment (e.g., "What is wrong with this one?"), a scrutiny less commonly applied to men in similar situations. This societal pressure, he argues, influences how women approach custody litigation, even though legal doctrines like the "maternal presumption" were largely eradicated in the 1980s.

Sexton also highlights a societal double standard in reactions to infidelity. When a man cheats, he's often condemned as a "piece of shit." However, when a woman cheats, narratives often frame it as her being "driven into the arms of another man" or on a "journey of self-discovery." This differential portrayal is common in popular media. In terms of emotional responses during divorce, Sexton finds that male clients often express anger more bluntly, aligning with societal norms that permit men to be "angry or fine." Female clients, in his experience, might be more forgiving in unhappy marriages for longer periods but can become incredibly "mercenary" and "weaponized" once they decide the marriage is over, sometimes surprising him with their shift from deep devotion to intense opposition.

He observes that while socioeconomic status can influence the mechanics of divorce (e.g., "nesting," where children remain in one home and parents rotate, is more feasible for the wealthy), the underlying emotional turmoil of heartbreak ("hurt people hurting people") is a universal experience, affecting even elite athletes and high-powered executives profoundly.

Reframing Prenuptial Agreements: From Romance Killer to Relationship Enhancer

A central theme of the discussion is Sexton's radical reframing of prenuptial agreements. He argues passionately against the common perception of prenups as unromantic, pessimistic, or indicative of a lack of trust. Instead, he posits that every married couple *has* a prenup: "You either have one that was created by the state legislature or you can tailor one to you and your partner's unique needs." He questions why anyone would prefer a generic contract written by politicians, which can be amended without their knowledge or consent, over one co-authored with their beloved partner during a period of optimism and mutual care.

Sexton believes that the process of discussing and creating a prenup is an opportunity for profound intimacy and connection. It forces couples to have vital conversations about their values, expectations, what they bring to the marriage (the "economy" of the relationship), and how they would navigate potential future disagreements or even a separation. These are conversations about what each partner needs to feel safe and loved. "I don't know how you can feel loved if you don't feel safe," Sexton states, emphasizing that prenups can establish this crucial sense of security.

He compares the resistance to discussing prenups to superstitions, like avoiding the word "divorce" as if saying it will cause it. He argues that if a couple cannot navigate the "hard conversation" of a prenup, they are ill-equipped for the inevitable hard conversations that marriage entails. Thus, engaging in the prenup process is a proactive step towards building a resilient partnership founded on open communication and mutual understanding, rather than an act that diminishes romance.

The Surprising Truth About Prenups and Marital Longevity

One of the most striking insights Sexton shares is his observation that couples who enter into prenuptial agreements tend to have a higher rate of staying married. He estimates that out of the hundreds, possibly thousands, of prenups he has drafted over 25 years, he has handled the subsequent divorce for perhaps only five of those couples. This runs counter to the common assumption that prenups are a sign of impending doom.

Sexton attributes this phenomenon to a form of self-selection: "I think the kind of people who can have a conversation that you need to have in order to discuss and negotiate a prenuptial agreement, I think are the kind of people that are going to be successfully married." These individuals are willing to confront uncomfortable truths and plan for contingencies, demonstrating a level of maturity and communication skill vital for long-term relationships. Conversely, those who avoid discussing the possibility of things going wrong, preferring to believe their relationship is purely "cake and roses," may be avoiding the very skills needed to navigate challenges. He equates getting married without considering these realities, given the high divorce rate (cited at 56%), to "recklessness"—a conscious disregard for a substantial risk of serious harm.

Therefore, the prenup process itself acts as a filter and a training ground, equipping couples with better tools for communication and mutual understanding, thereby increasing their chances of marital success, rather than signaling a lack of faith in the relationship.

Love, Honesty, and the Courage for Difficult Conversations

Sexton posits that many marriage problems stem from two core issues: individuals not knowing what they truly want, and even if they do, not knowing how to effectively communicate those wants to their partner. He advocates for early and honest conversations about needs, expectations, fears, and the "economy" of the relationship—what each partner brings and values. These discussions, often facilitated by the prenup process, are not about being unromantic but about building a foundation of genuine understanding and safety. "How can I have you still feel safe? Like how can I have you still feel loved?" are questions Sexton believes couples should explore.

He challenges the notion that love should be effortless or that discussing potential problems jinxes a relationship. Instead, he believes that love is "fragile" and, like anything precious, requires care and attention. The idea that "love is loaned and not permanently gifted makes it more beautiful," Sexton suggests, as it highlights the daily choice partners make to stay together. He argues for the bravery to be vulnerable, to show a partner one's flaws and fears. This authentic self-revelation is what allows genuine love to be felt, as opposed to one partner loving a curated persona. If a partner reacts negatively or threateningly to the mere suggestion of a prenup, Sexton sees it as a significant red flag about their ability to handle future difficulties or their true commitment.

The Anatomy of a Prenup: What It Covers and Why It Matters

When discussing the practicalities of a prenup, Sexton explains that its fundamental purpose is to create a bespoke rule set for the marriage, particularly concerning assets and liabilities, rather than defaulting to state-imposed laws. The simplest prenup establishes what is "yours," "mine," and "ours." Typically, assets and liabilities held before marriage remain separate, and jointly acquired assets/liabilities are divided (often 50/50) upon divorce. This clarity can prevent contentious and expensive legal battles later.

Sexton clarifies that state laws, like California's community property rules (where after a certain period, like seven years, separate property can become marital property), can have unintended consequences, such as a spike in divorces just before that threshold. A prenup allows couples to opt out of such default systems. Prenups can be highly detailed, covering spousal support (alimony), what happens to specific assets (like a business or inheritance), and even, though Sexton doesn't always advocate for them, infidelity clauses with financial penalties or complex pet custody arrangements. He notes that pet-related clauses are often surprisingly intricate, covering visitation, veterinary decisions, and even the handling of remains. Sexton emphasizes that each party must have their own independent legal counsel when creating a prenup to ensure fairness and enforceability. He also mentioned his involvement with trustedprenup.com, an initiative to make prenups more accessible and affordable, reframing them as a tool for all couples, not just the wealthy.

Cultivating Lasting Bonds: Authenticity, Appreciation, and Shared Understanding

Sexton argues that the foundation of a strong, lasting bond lies in authenticity and the courage to be vulnerable. He observes that the "most dangerous lies are the lies we tell ourselves." True intimacy, he defines, "is the ability to be completely yourself with another person." When partners feel safe enough to shed their "spanks on our personality" and reveal their true selves, quirks and all (like the anecdote about the partner who loved an "insane amount of cream" in her coffee), genuine connection flourishes. These moments of shared, unguarded humanity become cherished memories that solidify the bond.

In an age of social media where individuals are constantly comparing their "gag reel" to others' "greatest hits," Sexton highlights the profound value of a partner who sees and appreciates the real you. He critiques the "pornographication" of romance, where idealized rom-com endings or curated online portrayals create unrealistic expectations that set relationships up for failure. Instead, he champions realism and the beauty found in imperfection and shared experience. Small, consistent acts of appreciation, like leaving a note for a partner, can be incredibly powerful in reinforcing love and connection. Sexton shared an anecdote about a friend whose marriage significantly improved after implementing this simple practice. Ultimately, he suggests that the key questions to ask oneself and a partner revolve around what makes each person feel most loved and most loving, and then bravely sharing those truths.

Conclusion

James Sexton offers a compelling and unconventional perspective on how legal instruments like prenuptial agreements can be powerful tools for strengthening romantic relationships. His core message is that by embracing reality, fostering open and honest communication about difficult topics, and proactively defining mutual expectations, couples can build a foundation of safety and trust that makes their bond more resilient and deeply intimate. Rather than viewing marriage as a fragile fantasy that shatters at the first mention of practicalities, Sexton encourages a brave approach where discussing potential challenges and creating a shared understanding of "what we owe each other" becomes an act of profound love and commitment. This proactive engagement, he suggests, is far more romantic and conducive to lasting happiness than blind faith or the avoidance of uncomfortable truths. For anyone navigating the complexities of love and partnership, Sexton's insights provide a valuable framework for building relationships that are not only passionate but also grounded and enduring.